My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
