i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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