When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
