I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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