im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
