pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
