great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
