she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
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Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
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After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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