You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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