just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
