I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
