Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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