When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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