So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
