Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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