I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
