I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
