I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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