I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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