The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it's like iHOP with fire
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
