It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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