I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
