careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
