OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
