my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Never joke about your clitoris.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
