god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
