put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you win again, gameday.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
