Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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