i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
