dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
