lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
