I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
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I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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