You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
