bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
