Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
