why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
