she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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