Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
