i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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