we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
