If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
