My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize