they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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