I hate your face
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
