There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
