Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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