i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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