I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
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I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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