Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
