I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
