apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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