I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
