Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
